Bad reputations dog young dads

TORONTO—At the age of 21, Matt Chartrand thought he was ready to become a dad.
He’d spent half his teenage years hitchhiking around Canada after fleeing a violent home in Hamilton and finally had settled down in Ottawa.

He’d fallen in love with a woman he met at a Salvation Army shelter, had found work, and wanted to create the sort of close-knit family unit he had never experienced himself.
But when his son Jason was born, Chartrand learned firsthand the new baby wasn’t going to be the only one growing up quickly.
During the 10 years of Jason’s life, Chartrand and his partner have learned not only the basics of child-rearing and the complexities of raising a family on a limited income, but how to cope with an autistic child who didn’t utter a word for the first five years of his life.
Although he has no regrets about the hardships he’s gone through and wouldn’t exchange his son for the world, Chartrand acknowledges the decision to become a father at such a young age was not wise.
“It was a bit of an immature decision at the time,” Chartrand said in a telephone interview. “I would never do it over again. I didn’t think of the consequences of having a child back then.”
Support workers who spend their days with young fathers say the reality check Chartrand experienced when his son was born is typical of young men who find themselves thrust into fatherhood.
Less common is Chartrand’s decision to seek support from community groups and remain actively involved in his child’s life, though they add that more dads would follow suit if they enjoyed the same access to social resources as young mothers.
Tim Paquette, chair of the Father Involvement Initiative—Ontario Network, points to a disparity in both the quantity and quality of services offered to young parents, saying women have access to a wide range of support systems that often shut fathers out.
“I think we’ve done a really good job of building a comprehensive system for the young mom, but we’re really missing the equivalent for dad,” he said. “We’re not being as inclusive of the dad as we could be.
“And that piece is missing for the baby and the developing child.”
Through his years as a field worker with young fathers, Paquette believes the stereotype of the youthful, deadbeat dad is distorted, adding that systemic barriers often prevent young men from playing a greater role in their children’s lives.
Fathers’ names are not required on birth certificates, meaning some would-be dads are excluded from the outset.
Paquette said some mothers also choose to conceal the presence and identity of a father in order to receive greater financial assistance from the government.
But Paquette feels the lack of community support services plays the greatest role in deterring young dads from embracing full parental responsibilities, adding it reinforces the notion the father’s role is secondary.
“The man that wants to enhance his parenting skills finds a lack of programs and services, which really says a lot about the young man’s role, that it really is dispensable.”
Paquette said the solution is a sort of “one-stop-shop” where men have access to pre- and post-natal services, day care, counselling, education, and support programs.
One such facility, the Father Involvement Program in Abbotsford, B.C., is touted by some as a national leader in paternity support, and program co-ordinator Jeff McLean said the services offered have helped preserve many father-child relationships.
McLean said many young men under 25 are wary of using the organization’s many offerings, but noted a weekly floor hockey game with program staff and peers in the same situation often helps break the ice and shows that help is available.
McLean said many dads go on to take advantage of the parenting classes, relationship mediation courses, career counselling, and individual support where they have the advantage of seeing firsthand how other fathers interact with their children.
“What I’ve seen is that a lot of these dads who would have walked away, when they actually have someone who comes alongside them and says ‘I believe in you,’ they rise to the occasion and do some pretty amazing stuff.”
Chartrand credited community support for helping him and his wife to overcome the challenges involved in raising Jason, though he, like many of his contemporaries, struggled for years to find suitable programs.
“I think the stereotype of the deadbeat dad is what makes guys give up so easily,” he said. “If they had the right support or help, they could make it through.”