'Struggling To Find Me Again'

Tara Tovey is a recovering drug addict, who has been sharing her story with other teens and the local community in an effort to help diminish the rising illicit narcotic and prescription drug use in Rainy River District.

This 18-year-old has stepped up and said “no” to the drugs, “no” to her constant, grueling cravings, “no” to her desires to party, and “no” to her once biggest weakness, OxyContin pills.

The task hasn't been easy for Tovey, but it has been possible—an inspiration for anyone truly wanting a clean lifestyle and new beginning.

“Hopefully others will see they can overcome this horrible disease and there is light at the end of the tunnel—it's a long, hard struggle but it's possible and worthwhile. All you have to do is ask for help,” said Tovey.

According to Tovey, her days of experimenting with drugs began in elementary school with the all-too common drug cannabis (more widely know as marijuana).

“Back in Grade 8, some of my friends and I would smoke pot with the older kids and back then I didn't think much of it because everyone was doing it,” she explained.

“Now though, I know that ‘pot’ was my gateway drug and is the gateway drug for many people,” added Tovey.

Eventually, Tovey became curious about what type of a high other drugs would bring her. This led to her trying more intense street drugs such as mushrooms, acid, cocaine, and many others.

“I've tried pretty much every drug I can think of except crystal meth,” she noted.

Around age 16, Tovey was introduced to prescription drugs that were beginning to circulate through the high school more frequently, and began using different opiates regularly at parties.

“At first, I'd only use on weekends and at a party, but it eventually became a habit because opiates are so addictive,” she said.

During the summer between Grades 10 and 11, Tovey was able to stop abusing opiates for a short period of time, the reason being, she still obtained a small amount of control over her body and mind.

She realized her drug use had become a problem and it scared her slightly. So she pulled the plug on it in an effort to reassure herself that she was in control of the situation.

“I look back and think that was a bad thing because basically, being able to stop like that allowed me to think I could do it all the time,” she commented. However, that wasn't the case at all.

“Now, I think the only reason I was able to stop for awhile then was because I wasn't using one drug in particular. I was mixing all the time,” she said.

What started-out as weekend fun eventually became her entire life by the time she turned 17. Worst of all, she had no idea it was a problem.

“By 17, I was using everyday because I figured I could just stop whenever I decided I wanted to, and that continued for about a year,” she explained.

Tovey's drug of choice was an opioid, OxyContin, which is a extended-release, pain-relief medication. The effects of oxycodone are similar to those of other opiates such as morphine, hydromorphone (Dilaudid), and hydrocodone (Vicodin). It is described as being a “downer” drug which provides a relaxing high for users.

Users of OxyContin grow increasingly dependent upon its desirable effects until they are scrounging each day to find that next pill to get them by.

“I became so dependent on Oxy that it was the only drug I wanted,” Tovey said. “This drug took everything I love or anything that meant something to me away.”

Due to her constant drug abuse, Tovey's personal life began unraveling and people started noticing. At first she started dropping small responsibilities such as skipping cheerleading to go get high. Then it was her classes, followed by dance lessons and work. Eventually she dropped everything.

“I was kicked out of school because of my attendance record and my friends that weren't into drugs as hardcore as I was no longer talked to me,” explained Tovey.

“A lot of people started finding out I was using and the farther I got into drugs, the more people thought I was a burned out druggy loser.” she added.

“I'd take a pill so I wouldn't have to feel anything or deal with problems, but the problem was, this [OxyContin] made little problems, bigger problems.”

Tovey's family soon started to notice changes in their daughter and sister however, like many families, they were having a difficult time admitting to themselves that their child had a problem and pin-pointing the direct cause.

“People would come up to me at work and tell me she was on drugs, her brothers would hear things, but we would watch her closely and wouldn't be able to nail it,” Tara’s mother, Cathy Tovey, explained.

“When we would confront her about it, she'd lie and like most teenagers she was really good at it,” she added.

“I'd also wear a lot of makeup to hide what I looked like, stay out late and leave early,” Tara noted.

It was also challenging for the Tovey family to address the problem because at times, Tara wasn't acting much different than a typical teenage girl.

“I see a lot of typical 17-year-olds and really to me she wasn't acting a whole lot different than them, or my boys did at her age,” Cathy noted. “I just thought she was being moody because of teenage hormones. Plus, girls are always a bit more moody and challenging at that age.”

Tovey's turning point came back in March when she hit rock-bottom, didn't want to get out of bed, and was contemplating suicide.

“It took losing my job, being kicked out of school, losing the respect of everyone, my friends, and my identity for me to realize I had a problem,” Tovey declared.

“It's scary to think about it because it brings a sick feeling to my stomach, knowing at first you think you're doing it for fun and never could become addicted. Then you try and stop and you can't. Not having control over yourself is a sick thing.”

When her world came tumbling down, Tovey decided to go to the one person she knew would help her, no questions asked: her mom.

“I told my parents I was trying to quit but couldn't get up in the mornings without a pill and if I didn't have one I would cry, and cry, and cry, and I didn't know why I was crying,” she said.

“I told her there wasn't one day within the past year that I could remember not being high, and right away, my mom got on the phone and started getting me help,” added Tovey.

The first thing the family did was contact Jeff Tilbury at Riverside Community Counselling Services to ask him questions about how to proceed in dealing with Tara's disease.

“Jeff was amazing. He told us everything we needed to know: who we could contact, and what the process would be like before getting her into rehab,” Cathy Tovey noted.

“Without him, the process would be scary. That's why we need youth addiction and family support services right here in the district, because otherwise how are families and youths expected to get help,” she added.

“When she told us I was scared for her and it was devastating; the thought of losing my daughter made me hurt,” Cathy Tovey explained through tears. “I feel like we've been to hell and back now,” she added.

Although contacting Tilbury was the appropriate step to getting information and admitted into a rehab facility, according to Tilbury, Tara Tovey herself made the biggest and most important step on her own.

“She admitted she had a problem and sought help. That is the only way someone can be helped—if they come to the realization themselves,” Tilbury said.

“If my parents would have told me I had a problem and I was going to rehab, I wouldn't have gone because I needed to make the decision myself to go—you have to want to get better to get better,” said Tara Tovey.

Tovey has been on the road to recovery, leading a drug-free life now for four months. But she’s endured many ups and downs along the way, especially in the withdrawal process.

Initially, five weeks elapsed from the time she asked for help until a rehab facility had room for her. Five weeks was a long and painful period but in fact was much shorter than the originally proposed waiting period of a year.

“Any amount of time that goes by when a person needs help is too long,” said Tilbury.

“We were grateful she didn't have to wait a year. But as far as I'm concerned, a day is too long for an addicted person to wait,” echoed Cathy Tovey.

During the waiting period, Cathy Tovey took time away from work to stay by her daughter's side as she endured the horrible withdrawal symptoms of insomnia, anxiety, depression, hot and cold sweats, aches and pains, shakes and twitches, vomiting, and mood swings.

“The first bit was really tough because she would be up until 4 a.m. most mornings and some nights we would only get one hour of sleep, or she'd wake up every hour in a sweat,” explained Cathy Tovey.

“I used to say, ‘My body’s tired, but my mind isn't,’” said Tara Tovey.

The pair explained that while Tara waited to get into the Morning Star rehab facility in Kenora, she needed to be weaned off OxyContin before she could start the methadone program.

While Tovey was using, she claimed to be taking as much as 260 mg of the opioid a day, which Tilbury confirmed is a dangerously high intake level.

“I've had reports that some users in the community are doing up to 300 mg a day and at those intake levels, for an extended amount of time, it could be life threatening or at the very least, cause respiratory problems,” Tilbury noted.

While waiting, Dr. Elaine Spencer prescribed OxyContin in 60 mg doses for Cathy Tovey to administer to her daughter until she could be put on methadone.

Tovey spent eight days in Kenora attending daily group sessions and getting set up on the methadone program. She now takes a daily dose of methadone to help assist her during the withdrawal period.

Each morning, Tovey heads to Pharmasave where she is given a glass of orange juice mixed with a 130 mg dose of methadone, which is the balanced amount for her body prescribed by doctors.

The program is very controlled as recipients must drink their prescription in front of the pharmacist. If any is to leave the store, they must have a doctor's permission. It also has to be in a locked carry case at all times.

“The methadone controls the brain and helps to reduce the urge to use,” said Tilbury. “It is a completely safe program and causes no harm to individuals; some people stay on the program their entire life,” he added.

The program is expensive—it costs about $16 a day here—but it's nowhere near as costly as using, and comes without the detrimental health effects.

“While I was using, I was paying $1 per mg of OxyContin. It was costing roughly a $1,000 a week and I couldn't afford it,” Tovey said.

In order to pay for the drugs that would keep her functioning day in and day out, she would steal money or do anything she could to get another pill.

“I'd steal from the ones I loved, I used all my savings, and I'd use people to get what I wanted. But it was never me—it was the drug in me doing it,” said Tovey.

“If I were thinking clearly, I would've never have done those things. I wasn't brought up that way,” she added. “Drugs made me not care about anything.”

After returning home from rehab, Tovey spent most of her time re-bonding with her mom and canine companion, Sasha, while trying to reestablish who she is and what she wants in the future.

“My mom is my best friend and I'm extremely grateful for my family; they've been so supportive through this,” she said. “It's been really difficult because I don't have any friends. They all quit talking to me when I was on drugs.

“But now, I have my special friendship with my mom,” added Tovey.

Through everything, Tovey has also had to deal with the numerous rumours that have circulated about her and her drug use. The rumours have helped contribute to her decision to name herself, and become an example that others can learn from.

“Well, I just figure people should know I got help and they can, too. The rumours hurt, but I can't stop people from talking; all I can do is tell the truth. The truth is I'm getting better,” she noted.

Tovey was lucky she decided to get help before any long-term health problems resulted from her chronic drug abuse, but she didn't escape without a couple constant reminders. She's been left with anxiety and depression problems that she is currently seeing Tilbury for.

“I'm coping with it and it's getting better. At first, I couldn't be left alone because I'd freak out, but now I can stay by myself for short periods of time,” she explained.

“Through this, she has turned into a negative person whereas before she was always bubbly and smiling,” said Cathy Tovey.

But the Tovey family is confident they will get their positive and friendly girl back as they have already seen miraculous changes in her.

“We are working on it. She has come a long way since the day I dropped her off in Kenora. She looks a thousand times healthier now,” Cathy Tovey noted.

In September, Tovey is heading back to high school and hoping to graduate in the spring.

“I'm excited to see people again, but nervous at the same time because its going to be a challenge. I'm going to take it day-by-day,” said Tara Tovey. “I just want to make friends again.”

“I tell her to have faith because the kids and people who frowned at her before don't know her now; she's changed for the better,” said Cathy Tovey. “We just want people to understand she is trying and they should respect her because she is respecting herself now,” she added.

It's not a easy task to ask for help, admit you have done wrong, or ask for the forgiveness of those you've hurt, but that is what this brave teen is trying to do now.

“I'm sorry for what I've done to others and to myself. If anything, this entire experience has taught me a lot about myself,” Tara Tovey said.

“I'm very proud of her for asking for help, seeking it, and now putting her story out there to help others understand how drug use is a disease,” enthused her mother.

Tara Tovey's story will also be featured in the November feature of Cosmo Girl.

“I'm really excited Cosmo interviewed me and is going to feature this growing problem. Hopefully, it will make a difference,” she said.